Today Was No Stranger

Normally, in the past I would take to poems, but the words for poems seem to escape me, and the words coming to mind are not poem material of any kind.

I have to be honest, because I am sure I am not the only one, and sometimes keeping it in just makes it sit there and hurt.

Today, was no stranger, it’s a day like many others in the past, maybe situations were different, but the feelings all the same. I sit here tonight and wonder how this crept in again.

Without going into history, writing a novel, short story is I feel like I have given up so much of what I want to keep peace. That I still give things up to keep peace, and even keep my hair “long” (below should length at least) for someone else. I look around me in our house, and I don’t feel like any part of it is my house.

Dealing with other issues on a daily basis that I just don’t talk about (partly because unless someone has been there they don’t understand certain differences, and it’s not always easy to explain) has me mentally drained all the time. I have to mentally prepare our youngest daughter for her day, EVERY DAY. Those who know our girls now, probably have no clue how far any of them have come. And that’s fine, it’s our journey.

The biggest thing eating at me tonight, has me feeling all sorts of guilty, is that before this pregnancy, I feel like we had reached a great spot in our journey together. We were both shocked the day we found out. I even wanted to cry for a few minutes when I found out we were having ANOTHER girl, and then I got over that. The girls are happy, the youngest is very much involved in weekly updates and wanting to know what baby looks like now, how big she is etc. So what’s the problem? I feel like this pregnancy turned me into a leper in our marriage.

With that last part being said, I know the reasons why, but I constantly am wanting time with my husband. I want attention, I want quality time. This stems from my history, and normally I can calm myself down. Calm myself down? Yes that’s what I said. I have battled depression for years, never found a counselor I liked. I figured out on my own how to cope. How to recognize when I was slipping, how to pull myself out. It takes work, and everyone is different, my ways might not be your ways, so I am definitely not saying do not see a counselor, do not avoid meds, etc. You have to find what works for you.

This pregnancy has me going haywire sometimes by the minute. I can’t catch myself. to add to the hormones, or whatever it is going on, I am constantly hot! Never felt like that with the others. Since about 7/8 weeks I haven’t been able to sleep a full night, on top of being tired already. None of this makes a good combo.

Before I say anything else, before you think I am totally bashing my husband, let me say he has been awesome. He knows his snoring keeps me awake, so he sleeps on the couch so I can get as much rest as I can. He has done some store trips when he’s tired to get certain things. I know the couch hurts his back so I bought ear plugs, and then he just kept falling asleep out there, and the wax ear plus I used the past hurt my ears now for some reason so he said not to worry about it.  We have done more as a family in the past few years, more so this last year, than ever before. And that creates great memories with our girls. There are reasons I love him, I promise.

Since this pregnancy, even when we are all home together, I don’t see my husband. He comes home and immediately goes to the back room. The spot we were in before this pregnancy is gone. I feel like we are back in our beginning years, the years we struggled the most. I call them our young and dumb years. We were young, and were dumb lol…simple as that. We loved each other, but seemed clueless how to make certain things work, and with two stubborn people, it was not always pretty. So to get back to what has me feeling all sorts of guilty, is the thought of not wanting to be pregnant right now. I was done, I was so done I was at the surgi center to get my tubes tied. I had a couple times in the first trimester were I was PISSED because I was so exhuasted I could barely make it through the whole day and that was coupled with feeling nauseous all day long. I got over that, that trimester ended and I felt better, at least not as exhausted and the nausea stopped. But feeling like our relationship went backwards and wishing we weren’t here right now, has me all sorts of guilty.

Every child is a blessing. We have been blessed with three beautiful, unique, daughters. We are being blessed with one more. This is God’s plan, not how I am feeling, not how we are in this situation, but Arizona is a blessing. I wouldn’t trade her, any of my girls, for anything in the world. I cannot wait to meet her.

I do wish that I didn’t feel so drained regularly from dealing with certain things and then to top that off with feeling like a leper trying to figure out how to repair what I thought was repaired. I so often feel alone, and sometimes I am the one who does it, or the only one who feels that way, or the only one who sees things a certain way, it’s exhausting to just be me sometimes, lol…funny but not funny.

It’s hard feeling like your own husband wants nothing to do with you, hard to get him to relax, have fun, dance with you even, and then see him do all of those things with other people, knowing you are hurting/upset at that moment. Feeling the way I do right now for a bit, I flipped the crazy switch tonight. This pregnancy has been the hardest on me mentally, and physically in the sense that I just am tired and have no energy.

I don’t even know if this all flows together or just sounds like the ramblings of a pregnant woman. But I share, while going through this, feeling this way, because I know I am not alone, maybe situations are different, but I am not alone in the feelings. I think it’s been looked down on to share certain things, and we feel so guilty about feeling the way we do when we should acknowledge it and talk about it. So that is me, putting it out, being real, in this moment.