Depression – All Smiles?

This is a more serious subject, and I think it is one that affects more people than we realize. I saw on Facebook the other a day a post showing what depression looks like, famous people who have taken their life due to being depressed, but in each of their pictures they were all smiles.

I have heard so many times that suicide is the cowards way out and they didn’t think about anyone else. While I can’t speak for everyone who struggles, I can say that this is exactly opposite for us, we came to that decision by thinking about those around us.

I have been wracking my brain with the direction to take a project in, I have felt God’s call but I got in the way and tried doing it myself. Oops. Ok, I am out of the way and now working on something, that I haven’t decided yet how I will share, eBook, videos, more on the blog, or maybe all the above.

But I wanted to get this message out regardless. The thing is, I have been to the point where I wanted to take my own life, more than once. Due to things in my past, I felt I was not worth anyone’s time, however being alive I was making the lives around me worse. I wasn’t a fit parent and by staying alive I was going to make her life worse (at the time I just had one daughter). By staying alive, I was making my husband life horrible, and being a good guy he was “stuck” with me since we were married and had a daughter. I didn’t want to be a burden anymore to him, and I wanted my daughter to have a better life.

Outside of our house, I was all smiles. I didn’t want to be a burden on anyone’s life, I didn’t want anyone to waste their time on me. I knew I wouldn’t be missed, and I knew life would go on, better in fact, without me.

After having our second daughter, and another separation, these thoughts took over my life, my daily world. I was stupid and tried taking some concoction and pills, and reached out to my still husband to let him know I was going. He got me to call for help and I was taken to the hospital. But, before the ambulance got there, they asked me if I was aware of the likely hood of my children killing themselves later, if I succeeded in killing myself. No, what? Removing myself from their life permanently could actually make it worse for them? I never did look up these stats for myself, but hearing they were 75% more likely to take their life stopped me from wanting to ever try taking mine again.

I cannot say that I have never found myself falling down that depression hole again, and even thinking those around me would be better off without me, but I have not stayed stuck in those thoughts since. I found a way that has worked for me to keep me out of depression, or quickly come out of that downward spiral when it happens. This, I will share at a later time.

But please, do not over look any signs you see, and never assume that someone who is always smiling is really happy or ok. I can say for me, if you see me smiling, I am truly happy now. I am at a place where if I need help I ask for it, and it’s usually from my husband.

Do not assume you know one thing about depression unless you have actually dealt with it. Medication is not always a good answer, and can sometimes make it worse. Please do not stop medication based on this either, I cannot give medical advice. For those who have dealt with depression, also know that it can be different for people based on the events that lead a person there. I very highly doubt that anyone took their own life as a “cowards” way out. I think for some they just snap after a series of bad events and they don’t know how to ask for help. I know I felt I wasn’t worth the time for anyone to help me so I didn’t ask. I didn’t think I needed help, I just needed to remove myself from the equation.

It is true, you never know what a person is battling. Please keep that in mind. Yes you have your own battles, but someone around has a battle they won’t ever share, and we need to keep our eyes and ears open to reach out when we can. Depression doesn’t appear to us like we would think, it could be the “happiest” person we know who was just masking their internal feelings.


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